I'm Gonna Crawl
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Hyde and Jackie can't live without each other, but how can they overcome the past?


Title: I'm Gonna Crawl   
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail/Feedback: cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com and yes please!  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Written: April 26 - May 20, 2003  
  
Classification: That '70s Show; J/H angst  
  
Spoilers: "You Shook Me", "Nobody's Fault But Mine"  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own "That '70s Show" or any of the characters within. But Lord knows I think they're hilarious. When I'm not angsting them out... Anyway, it all belongs to Carsey/Werner and FOX. Don't sue, you'll be disappointed.  
  
Summary: Hyde and Jackie can't live without each other, but how can they overcome the past?  
  
Website: Bound http://www.geocities.com/cassandra_mulder  
  
Distribution: This is mine. If you ask, I'll let you borrow it, but *ask* first. Stealing is not a happy or fun thing.  
  
A/N: Oh yeah, it's my contribution to the J/H post-break up blitz. In keeping with the season five theme, the title is from a Led Zeppelin song. It just jumped out at me.  
  
***  
  
Hyde had never been so miserable in his life. He kept telling himself that a girl couldn't do this to him, but a little voice kept answering back, Oh yes, she can.  
  
The little voice also told him how stupid he was quite often, though he hardly needed the reminder.  
  
Jackie hadn't spoken to him since she'd told him she didn't love him. Every time he came into the basement, she left it. Every time he tried to talk to her, she dodged him. He wasn't getting anywhere with her, no matter how hard he tried.  
  
He was glad to see Kelso hadn't made any progress with her either, but that was little consolation. Donna was the only one she was talking to anymore anyway. And maybe Eric, but she never had long conversations with him to begin with.  
  
He couldn't get rid of her, or forget the fact that he loved her. He'd never loved a girl in his life. Jackie was the first and only.  
  
She wouldn't get out of his system. Or out of his heart.  
  
Hyde slammed his fist into the wall of his tiny basement room. How could he have been so stupid? So rash?  
  
Love, you idiot, the little voice said.  
  
Eric popped his head in the door. "Hey, man, what was that?"  
  
"Go away, Forman," Hyde replied, dejectedly sitting down on his cot.  
  
"Ah, I get it. That translates into, 'C'mere and comfort me, buddy'," Eric said, coming in and sitting down beside him.  
  
Hyde made a fist. "And this translates into, 'I'm gonna punch you in the nose'."  
  
Eric just ignored him. "So, you still moping about Jackie?"  
  
"I am not moping."  
  
"Uh, yes you are. This is moping, my friend."  
  
"Ooooh," Hyde said with mock-realization. "You mean this being miserable and wanting to die thing?"  
  
"Well, at least you admitted it," Eric said solemnly.  
  
They both sat there, staring at the floor for a minute.  
  
"I told her I loved her," Hyde said finally.  
  
Eric looked at him. "You... um... what?"  
  
"I love her, man."  
  
"Oh... boy..." Eric was at a loss for words. "Jackie? You? Love Jackie?"  
  
"Geez, Forman. Wake up."  
  
"I, uh, I'm sorry." He cleared his throat. "Okay. You love Jackie. How did she feel about that?"  
  
"She said she didn't love me."  
  
Eric, for reasons Hyde couldn't understand, was now trying desperately not to laugh.  
  
Hyde scowled at him. "See, that was the part I found especially *not* funny."  
  
"No, no," Eric said, straightening up, "the funny thing is her telling you that when it's so obviously a lie."  
  
His scruffy best friend just stared at him.  
  
"God, man, you and Jackie are in love. Ew."  
  
Hyde punched him in the shoulder.  
  
"Ow," Eric whimpered pathetically.  
  
***  
  
Donna came into the basement looking for Eric, only to find Hyde on the couch, head laid back, glasses off, and breathing evenly as if he was asleep.  
  
She stood there for a moment watching him, then turned her head and frowned as she realized the strains of "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" were coming from the record player.  
  
Since when does Hyde listen to country music? she thought.  
  
She went over to the couch and sat down, causing Hyde to slowly open his eyes.  
  
"Oh, hey, Donna." He yawned.  
  
"Hank Williams?" Donna asked, bemused.  
  
"Guy had talent," he responded flatly.  
  
"O-kay." She paused. "Have you seen Eric?"  
  
"I buried him in the back yard. Don't worry, you'll find someone else."  
  
She looked at him strangely. "Seriously. Have you seen him?"  
  
"Not since his little pep talk... or whatever it was," he said sleepily.  
  
She laughed. "Eric was giving you a pep talk about, um, Jackie?" she asked, suddenly uncomfortable.  
  
"You're right. All talk, no pep."  
  
"So you're still moping?"  
  
"I am not..." He gave up. "Yeah. Okay? You happy?"  
  
"Yeah, you cheating rat bastard," she replied, but she was smiling.  
  
Hyde sighed.  
  
"Why'd you do it, Hyde? Why didn't you just check with Jackie and see if it was all a misunderstanding before you did something stupid?"  
  
"Uh, because I *am* stupid?"  
  
"Well, you certainly won't get an argument there, buddy."  
  
"I love her and I screwed everything up."  
  
Donna's eyes widened. "Ooooh... crap."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I mean, you told her that, right?"  
  
"Yeah, finally. At the wrong time."  
  
"No difference, huh?"  
  
"None at all. In fact, she made it quite clear that the only one acquainted with the 'L' word is me."  
  
"That's what you think," Donna muttered.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
She sighed. "I'm totally going to be breaking the 'girl code' here, but I think you should probably know she still loves you. Even though I like to see you suffer..."  
  
Hyde looked amazed. "Well, she said she didn't."  
  
She whacked him on the arm. "Of course she did, dumbass. You cheated on her."  
  
"Thanks. I needed the reminder."  
  
"I think you should have a constant reminder playing at all times, but that's me."  
  
"Oh, trust me, we're already there."  
  
"Look, Hyde, the only reason I'm still talking to you at all is because I believe you're truly sorry. You screwed up, yes, but I have too, so I'm in no position to judge anyone.  
  
"You love Jackie, and if I'm not mistaken, she's the first girl you've ever loved."  
  
"Much to my misfortune."  
  
"And no matter what you've been telling yourself, you're not Kelso. Thank God."  
  
"Uh, thanks."  
  
"Now, Jackie may feel differently, because he never did anything but mess around behind her back. But give her some time, and she'll probably realize you're different. I know you were hurt, but that was still the wrong thing to do, just so we're clear."  
  
"Crystal."  
  
She patted him on the knee. "I really need to go find Eric. I hope you guys can work this whole thing out. It's gonna take a major rebuilding of trust on both your parts."  
  
"I know. Thanks for not hating me, Donna."  
  
She stood up. "Who said anything about not hating you?" she said, laughing, as she went upstairs.  
  
Hyde shook his head. Two heart to hearts in one afternoon, he thought to himself. I need to get out of the Twilight Zone, and fast.  
  
***  
  
Hyde found Jackie in Donna's room once again.   
  
"I think we need to talk," he said softly.  
  
"I don't think there's anything left to talk about," she said, continuing to paint her toenails.  
  
Well, she hasn't thrown me out, he thought. Better sit down.  
  
"Look," he said, sitting down opposite her. "We talked, but not nearly enough."  
  
"You hate it when I talk."  
  
"No, I don't." If he ever got her back, she was going to have all of his secrets at this rate.  
  
Jackie looked up at that.  
  
"I don't hate anything about you."  
  
She didn't know what to say. The Queen of Gab couldn't come up with a single word.  
  
He sighed, feeling hopeless about ever making her understand.  
  
"I love you, Jackie. And the first time I said it, you need to know it wasn't some stupid ploy to get you back or anything like that. I meant it, and I was going to go crazy if I went one more minute without telling you."  
  
Do *not* cry in front of him, she kept repeating to herself. Holding back her tears was hard to do, considering she'd been crying for the past three days.  
  
"Steven, if you loved me you would've talked to me before you had some disgusting one night stand!"  
  
"Jackie, I'm a guy, okay? I'm stupid, I admit it. It was not the thing I should've done, and I understand that. What do you want from me?"  
  
She sniffled. "For you to take it back. But you can't make that night go away anymore than I can pretend it never happened."  
  
"I would take it back if I could. It was horrible, I was miserable, and afterwards I felt like scum. I can't ask you to pretend it never happened. I'm just asking for you to forgive me."  
  
He looked so defeated, and she wanted to forgive him. Her heart was aching with the need to hold him again, but...  
  
"I forgave somebody once, but it didn't stop them from hurting me again. Why should I take the chance?"  
  
Hyde stood up. "I'm not Kelso, dammit," he said, frustrated.  
  
"Well, the two of you sure act alike," she snipped.  
  
He shook his head. "Listen to me. I watched him go behind your back with Laurie for months, and he didn't even care. He's too stupid to care about other people. I know this, I know *him*.  
  
"I screwed up once, Jackie. I have no excuses, I'm offering you no excuses. But you can't forgive me for the one thing that I've ever been the sorriest for in my life?"  
  
"Steven, it's not that easy. Believe me, I wish it was that easy, but it's not. I would've already forgiven you if it was."  
  
"Where does that leave us then, Jackie?"  
  
"I don't know," she said, staring at her bedspread intently.  
  
Hyde squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know what to do anymore, what to say to make it better. Maybe there wasn't anything. Maybe he'd just thrown away the one thing that meant more to him than anything, like he always had.  
  
"Jackie, please give me a second chance." He was begging, and Steven Hyde never begged anyone for anything. "I'll never need another one, I swear."  
  
She looked up at him, into his eyes, and she totally believed him. She wanted to say that, yes, she did forgive him. That she loved him so much she had no choice.  
  
But she did have a choice. She was no longer that dumb little girl who'd thought she loved Michael Kelso and believed everything he'd ever said till it was too late. Hyde had made her smarter, more grownup somehow, and in this case he wouldn't find that working to his benefit.  
  
"Steven, I can't," she said finally.  
  
He opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand to stop him.  
  
"I'm not saying never, okay? I just need a little more time. I probably shouldn't, but I'm gonna tell you this... I believe that you're really sorry. I know you are. But that doesn't change what you did or what I have to work through, all right?"  
  
"I... I know." He had at least a little hope now.  
  
He turned to go, but quickly spun back around. "You should know Kelso said he's gonna try to move in on you. This isn't a power play, just fair warning. You definitely deserve a warning."  
  
"Thanks, Steven. But I don't love Michael anymore. I really haven't for a long time."  
  
Jackie wished the sadness wasn't in his eyes, that he'd never mistrusted her and brought this upon himself; upon them.  
  
She'd loved only him, and he was too insecure to believe it. That wasn't all his fault, by any means. But it was something he'd have to work out on his own.  
  
He walked back over to her bed, and gently kissed her on the forehead. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, he was gone.  
  
***  
  
Jackie hadn't seen Hyde in nearly a week. Donna had told her he'd been working as many hours at the hotel as he could, between sleep and school, and that was it.  
  
She assumed he was just doing what she was doing - trying to keep busy. Though that wasn't exactly working out for her. She could barely concentrate on school, or fashion magazines, or what to wear to her friends' graduation.  
  
All she could think about was Steven Hyde and his kisses, how it felt to be cuddled up in his arms... How he'd smashed her heart into a million pieces.  
  
"I can't. Take. It. Anymore. Donna!" she said, frustrated, as her best friend walked into the room.  
  
"Huh?" Donna said, frowning.  
  
"I miss Steven *so* much," the little brunette moaned. "I don't want to, and I don't even want to admit it, but I do."  
  
"It's okay, Jackie. That's natural enough."  
  
"Ugh. I just want to go down to the hotel and jump into his arms... But I *know* I shouldn't."  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"You think I *should*?" Jackie exclaimed, raising her eyebrows.  
  
"Look, Jackie, things aren't going to get any better as long as you're both alone and moping. If you want him, go get him. It's better just to work things out now. Waiting won't change anything. I know this has been really difficult and Hyde was really stupid. I also know he won't do it again, so go ahead and do what you want to do. He'll work for your trust, I know that much. But just be sure to tell him this is his second and last chance, or you'll kick his ass. That always works with Eric."  
  
Jackie got up and hugged Donna. The redhead actually looked shocked for a moment, but then hugged her back.  
  
"Thank you, Donna," she said, pulling away. "I don't know how I'd have survived this without you."  
  
"No problem, Jackie," she smiled as the smaller girl bounded out of the room.  
  
She just secretly hoped Hyde never proved her wrong.  
  
***  
  
Hyde was chopping vegetables in the hotel kitchen, when he thought he saw a mass of dark curls out of the corner of his eye. Writing it off as another of his missing Jackie delusions, he kept on chopping till he heard a small, familiar voice.  
  
"Steven?"  
  
He put his knife down and turned around, trying to maintain his poker face. "Oh, hey." He cleared his throat. "Uh, Jackie..."  
  
"Um, is there someone who could cover you so we could go somewhere else? I need to talk to you."  
  
"Well..." He looked around. "Oh, wait," he said, grabbing the kitchen phone. "Roy? I was wondering if you could cover for me for just a little while. Jackie's here, and she wants to talk." He paused. "I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important, man." Another pause. "Thanks, I owe you one."  
  
He turned back to Jackie. "Where do you want to go?"  
  
She shrugged. "Your car's fine," she suggested, and they headed out to the parking lot together.  
  
Once they were settled in the front seat of the El Camino, neither of them knew what to say.  
  
Finally, after an eternity of awkward silence, Jackie took a deep breath, briefly closed her eyes, and turned to Hyde.  
  
"I want -" She stopped and shook her head. "No. I forgive you, Steven," she said, her eyes welling up.  
  
Hyde just looked at her, stunned. He felt like he didn't deserve this; didn't deserve her. He knew he didn't, and here she was forgiving him.   
  
"Are you -" He swallowed hard. "Are you sure?" He wanted this, but he had to be sure she was sure.  
  
"Yes, it's all I've thought about, Steven. I don't know what to do. I always knew what to do when I was with you, but now..."  
  
Hyde wasn't about to rush back into anything and make her uncomfortable, but he took her hand and held it gently. He slipped his sunglasses off with his free hand and tossed them on the dash.   
  
"Jackie, it wasn't being with me that makes you smart and self-reliant. Don't believe that, it's all you."  
  
"It's me, Steven, but you have a lot to do with that. You made me look past the shallow things in my narrow little world. But that's only one of the things I love so much about you."  
  
"But you said you didn't -"  
  
"You're not the only one that can lie, Steven," she said, but the bitterness was gone from her voice. "We haven't done anything right from the start, don't you realize that? That's how we wound up here right now. We were stubborn about admitting what we had, we were never completely honest and open with each other... I want you. I want this to be real."  
  
He knew this was hard for her, to give into her heart like this. It wasn't something either he or Jackie had ever been good about doing. He nodded, urging her to go on. To say what she came to say.  
  
"But if you care about me, Steven, you're going to have to stop pretending you don't care, and that everything's 'cool' with you. You pretending to be indifferent is not being honest, and besides, I know better. I've known better since the day you punched that jerk I brought to the Forman's barbeque," she said with a small smile.  
  
He squeezed her hand a little harder, and shook his head. "Jackie, it's just -" He sighed deeply. "It's not that I don't love you, and it's not that I don't care. It's just that I wasn't supposed to. Nobody gets attached, nobody gets hurt. That's the way I've lived my life ever since my dad left, and that's a long time. But I wasn't able to follow that with you. It wasn't just that I couldn't stop kissing you. I couldn't stop being around you. I didn't want to stop. You don't know how hard that was for me to accept."  
  
Jackie laughed lightly, her head laid back against the passenger seat, looking at him, enjoying the feel of her hand in his again. "You'd be surprised, I think. I fought it just as much as you did, no matter what you think."  
  
They just sat there looking at each other for what seemed like forever.   
  
"I think we need to get back on track, Steven. I think we need honesty most of all. And no more pretending. We've both got problems, obviously, but I don't want you to be so insecure. I love *you*, that's it. I'm not going to cheat on you, I don't want to cheat on you, and I don't want Michael back like you've kept believing. You have to believe me, and you have to believe in yourself. I know what you've been through, but not everyone you love leaves, and I most certainly am not going to leave you. You have to understand that."  
  
"I do, Jackie. At least, I do now. I don't know what I was thinking. It just seemed like you and Kelso would never just let it die, and I was afraid it was going to be that way forever. Kelso wasn't any help, you know."  
  
"I know. I'm going to have a talk with him about that. He's got to realize there's no chance for us anymore. I guess there will always be this little part of me that loves him, but not like I used to. And definitely not like I love you. I've never loved anyone like I love you, Steven."  
  
"I don't deserve that, Jackie," he said, looking at his lap. So much for no more insecurities.  
  
She grabbed his chin and forced him to look into her eyes. "No, Steven! No more of that. I told you. You do deserve love. I'm here giving you a second chance, and you better take it. And if you ever cheat on me again or say you don't deserve me, I will kick your ass, do you hear me?"  
  
Hyde laughed a little, involuntarily, at the thought of tiny Jackie kicking his ass. But at the same time, he didn't doubt she would.  
  
"There's the Jackie I know and love," he said with a smirk.  
  
She couldn't help but smile back at him. "I mean it, Steven," she said, becoming serious again.  
  
"I know," he replied with a nod. "You won't ever have to worry about the cheating part, but the not deserving you still stands."  
  
She whacked him on the arm, just to prove her point.  
  
"Okay! Okay!" he said, holding his hands in front of him in mock defense.  
  
"So you'll be my girlfriend again?"  
  
"Oh, you just try and get rid of me, Steven Hyde. There's no other girl for you, and you better not forget it," she said, only half-joking.  
  
"Never again." He leaned over, carefully at first, trying to gauge her reaction to his trying to kiss her.   
  
She met him halfway, clutching the front of his uniform with her hands, desperate for what she'd been missing. Michael had been able to kiss, but Steven could *kiss*. She would get butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it.  
  
Her hands ran through his hair as he grabbed her by the waist to pull her closer. Soon her arms were around his neck, and they were as close as the confines of his car would allow.  
  
A few moments later, they had no choice but to come up for air. They broke apart, gasping, still clutching each other tightly.  
  
"God, Jackie, I can't believe I was such a moron. I'm going to make every bit of it up to you, even if it takes the rest of my life. I'm going to try to be worthy of you, and give you everything you deserve."  
  
"Steven, you're already worthy. I don't need anything but you, right here with me. I've already discovered I can't live without you, and that I don't ever want to feel the way I've felt for the past week and a half ever again. All I need from you is for you to be with me. To talk to me if something's bothering you. To love me, and only me." Her eyes were now blue and green pools staring up at him, and Hyde couldn't take it when she cried.  
  
"C'mere, babe," he said, pulling her to him, as she buried her face in his neck. "Please don't cry, Jackie," he said, stroking her hair. "I don't want you to hurt anymore. I promise I won't hurt you anymore. I'll do everything in my power to keep you from getting hurt."  
  
She sniffled, pulling away to look up at him. Everything Steven Hyde ever tried to conceal was right there in his blue eyes. That was the reason, she believed, he almost always wore his sunglasses. It was a lot easier to be badass and insensitive when no one could look into your eyes. If he went without them, everyone would see that he wasn't always as tough as he seemed to be.  
  
"I know, Steven," she said. "I'm going to trust you with my heart again. And you're going to have to trust me with yours."  
  
He nodded, brushing the hair out of her face, and wiping away her tears. "We're gonna be all right, Jackie. I'm gonna make sure of it this time. I'm gonna do everything right this time, for you. Because I need you."  
  
He needed her. That's all she'd ever wanted to hear. Even more than 'I love you', she wanted to know he needed her.  
  
She squealed in typical Jackie excitement and wrapped her arms around his neck. He didn't even ask why. He was content in the knowledge that the only girl he loved, the only girl he'd ever love, was back in his arms, and he had a second chance. He'd do whatever it took to protect that, to protect her.  
  
End 


End file.
